Super Bowl survival guide for people who hate sports (2024)

There are two types of people: Those who watch the Super Bowl for the football, and those who watch the Super Bowl for everything but the football. I fall into the latter. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you who's playing in the game besides Taylor Swift's boyfriend. (What's his name again? Something Ketchup?) So, if you're like me, consider this your go-to survival guide for how to watch slash participate in everything but the football during the Super Bowl this Sunday, February 11, airing on CBS and Paramount+.

Let's just start things out from the beginning of the game, shall we? You're at your party and everyone is talking about the teams playing or some other thing related to sport talk that has left you thoroughly confused. Well, your moment to shine will come when Post Malone, Andra Day and Reba McEntire walk onto the field before the game begins. Malone will be performing "American the Beautiful," Day will be performing "Lift Every Voice and Sing" and McEntire will be singing the national anthem.

Now when McEntire starts the national anthem, this is a great opportunity to bring up Whitney Houston. You could say something like, "No disrespect to Reba, but nobody will ever compare to Whitney Houston's version of the national anthem at the Super Bowl." Some annoying person at the party will probably bring up that time Lady Gaga did it, or even Chris Stapleton last year. But hold firm, this is your moment of the night, not theirs. If all else fails, just do what I would do, break out into your own version of Rebe McEntire's song, "I'm a Survivor." People will think your crazy, but eventually they'll start singing along and hopefully discuss McEntire's wildly underrated sitcom Reba.

Now once the game starts, you're going to be bored. Don't worry, this is natural. I suggest making your way to the snack table—it's always the safest activity. (Calories don't count on Super Bowl Sunday, it's a nationally recognized fact.) But when those commercials start, spit that chip covered in queso dip out, because your part of the Super Bowl is about to begin.

Companies are shelling out an estimated $7 million for a 30 second spot during the big game, which is absurd, but who cares because this is your Super Bowl moment. For example, early in the game, mention something about Kate McKinnon doing a Hellmann's mayonnaise ad or Tina Fey doing a Booking.com commercial, that way when it comes on you can yell across the room, "Hey Debra"—everyone has a friend named Debra—"that commercial I told you about is on." This way you seem very in the know and engaged, but also lets you avoid the actual game. (And Debra, everyone hates her, and she brought vegetables to the party.)

Other commercials to look out for include that Uber Eats one featuring Jennifer Aniston and David Schwimmer, all the beer commercials because they always seem to turn it out, that OREO one featuring Kris Jenner looking like an AI version of herself—it might as well be an ad for FaceTune—and Pringles has one with Chris Pratt, because we all could use more Chris Pratt in our lives. (I'm being sarcastic, please refer to this.)

But beyond the national anthem and the commercials, your real moment comes during the halftime show. This is the part of Super Bowl Sunday where every person who doesn't know a lick about football steps into the spotlight and says, "Hold my warm beer, I've got this."

The headliner for the Apple Music Super Bowl LVIII Halftime Show this year is Usher. The singer will perform for a whopping 15 minutes, which is longer than most—Rihanna got 13, which just feels offensive. Usher hasn't mentioned any special guests yet, but it's safe to expect to see surprises during his performance. No shade to Usher, he can fill 15 minutes, but it's the Super Bowl halftime show, I want to see as many stars perform as possible. (Personally, I hope Justin Bieber makes an appearance, but it's unlikely considering Bieber hasn't performed in a year. Oh, what if he asked Reba McEntire to come back out and the two performed a duet? This is wishful thinking, but I would die.) He also hasn't mentioned what songs he'll be performing, but you can expect hits like "Yeah!," which might mean a Lil Jon and/or Ludacris appearance, "DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love," which could mean a Pitbull appearance, and "U Remind Me."

Now even if you don't care about Usher, the halftime show is a great moment to open up the conversation to past halftime show performances. Be shady and say, "Beyonce's halftime show wasn't all that great." It will be a lie—because that's absurd, everybody knows Beyonce had the best halftime show in the history of the Super Bowl—but it will make for a lively Super Bowl party. Other halftime performances that were epic include Madonna, Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, and Diana Ross leaving the field in a helicopter in 1996.

OK, now it's time for the scary news: once the halftime show is over, this, dear friend, will be the hardest time of the night. While football fans look forward to this moment because it signals the end of the game and the big winner, for us non-Super Bowl people, everything we have to look forward to is basically over by this point. The performances are done, the good commercials have come and gone, and let's be real, the queso dip is cold. What are you to do? Well, this is when you make it all about Taylor Swift.

As the rest of the world knows, Taylor Swift will have flown in from her concert in Japan to see her boyfriend, Travis Kelce—see, I know his name isn't Ketchup—play in the Super Bowl. So while the rest of your party is intensely focused on whatever team is going to win, you could be like, "I bet Taylor is tired. That's a long flight from Japan." (This is when Debra will probably talk about wearing compression socks on long flights or something. We get it, Debra, you're boring.) Or, if you want to really make it an interesting party, do what I would do and confidently say, "Taylor Swift is overrated." It might be a fib, but I guarantee you it will inspire a heated discussion.

After telling you all of this, I fear I may have provided you with less of a Super Bowl survival guide, and more with a plan to make your Super Bowl party all about you. Oh well, at least you'll have that queso dip. Remember, no matter what happens, if it involves any of the celebrities in attendance at the game or crazy pop culture moments, I'll be breaking it down for you on the Parting Shot podcast and my newsletter For the Culture. Now here's wishing the Kansas City 49ers and the Dallas Cowboys the best of luck this Sunday!